Do you know where your fights and arguments come from? They come from the selfish desire that war within you (James 4:1 NCV).
One of the most common complaints from couple is "We just can't seem to get along. We argue so much. We love each other. Why is it we have major blow ups over such minor issues?" Or you will hear parents who say, "My kids are getting rebellious. I don't understand why we end up argue about almost everything."
It is illogical but inevitable that we will argue and hurt the people whom we love most. Apostle James taught us in this passage on how to avoid arguments. He pointed to us both the causes and the cures -- the reason for argument and the remedy.
The cause of arguments is when two selfish desires hit right on - my wants conflict with your wants. The closer a relationship is the more chances it has for conflict. Think about the things you expected of your best friends, your parents, and your spouse before you got married -- how idealistic and unrealistic you were about marriage. There are going to be conflicting desires. When desire crash, it breeds frustration. And frustrated feelings cause fights.
It is not wrong to have desires. But when you put them above other people, when they become number one in your life, they will cause conflict. What are they?
1. The Desire for Possession
We want to have things - my house, my car, my hand phone, my laptop etc.
"You are jealous and covet [what others have] and your desires go unfulfilled
." (James 4:2a Amplified Bible)
The Bible says that God loves us and He gives good things for His children to enjoy (see 1 Tim 6:17b). God loves people and uses things for their enjoyment. The problem is many of us get it wrong. We end up loving things and use people. We manipulate them, controlling them, moving them around to get what we want because things become more important in our life. We have the misconception that having more will make us happier, more important, and more secure.
A study says that 56% of all marriages that end in divorce are due to money problems.
If you are driven by materialism, you will be satisfied temporary. Because things do not change, the thrill of having new thing wears off very quickly. When a newer, bigger, better version comes you will eventually become bored with what you have.
We've got to learn to deal with the desire to have. If you decide to base your life on comparing it to other people, you will never be happy no matter how much you get. There's always something more. It doesn't satisfy. It leaves you empty.
2. The Desire for Pleasure
I want to have fun. I want to be comfortable. I want to have my senses satisfied.
"You want only what will give you pleasure" (James 4:3b NLT)
It's not wrong to enjoy life. But when seeking pleasure becomes the number one goal in your life -- if it feels good, do it -- you're asking for trouble.
If you are more interested in your own comfort than in others and all you think about is what makes me feel good you are bounced to have conflict.
Why do you think people argue about sex in marriage? The desire for pleasure is strong.
When it is dissatisfied, resentment builds up.
3. The Desire for Attention
This is pride. Driven by pride a person will strive for power, prominence and popularity at the expense of precious relationship. Everyday you will hear the silent cry of people; "Watch me by the way I dress. Watch me by the kind of car I drive. Watch me by the kind of things I stock my house with. Watch me by how smart I train my children These desire to impress, to be in control, to be in the centre of attention will lead to argument when you become too proud to admit your wrong.
Pride leads to arguments; those who take advice are wise (Proverbs 13:10 NLT).
Have you ever been in an argument where you knew you were wrong but you wouldn't admit it? Why? The answer is pride. Pride leads to arguments.
The two reasons why your desire are not fulfilled
the reason you don't have what you want is that you don't ask God for it. And even when you do ask, you don't get it because your whole motive is wrong you want only what will give you pleasure" (James 4:2b-3 NLT).
Here James tells us two reasons why our desires aren't fulfilled:
First reason is we don't pray . We don't ask God. We look to the wrong source. We look to people to fulfil our needs instead of looking to God.
Second reason is we pray with the wrong motive . We ask things in a selfish way. Philippians 4:19 say, "My God shall supply all your needs according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus". God is willing and more than happy to provide us. He'll meet your desires for possession, for pleasure, for attention.
Many times, we end up in a fight because we don't understand that God is our source. We chose to fight rather than go to God in prayer for the answer. We will try our best, work things out by our own strength. Prayerlessness in itself is pride. I think I can settle it by myself is equal to I don't think I need God. The more you depend on God, the more you would pray about anything.
The old song, "Oh what peace we often forfeit, Oh what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry, everything to God in prayer."
We'd have a lot less to worry about, a lot less to argue about, a lot less to fight over if we just prayed more.
Humility the fuse to argument
By now, we know that the reason behind argument is self. And humility is emptying of self.
God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble
Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up (James 4:6b, 10 NKJV).
When we humble ourselves, God gives us grace to change. But pride stand in between God and us. God doesn't give grace to people who are full of pride and think "I can do it on my own." He gives it when we come and say, "God, I need your help."
Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up (James 4:7-10 NKJV).
James teaches us four specific actions to stop or avoid argument:
1. Submit to God
Submit means to refer to others for decision. The first thing you need to do to stop argument is to submit to God. Give God control. Put Him in charge of your decision. Yield yourself to Him. Quit trying to run your own life by your own.
In James 4:1 it says that we have conflict with others because there is a conflict within us. You don't get along with others because you've got a war in your heart.
So, the starting point is getting peace inside before you can have peace outside. The real conflict is inside of you -- who's in charge of my life. If you're in charge, then anytime somebody comes along that doesn't go the way you want to go, then you get uptight. You get irritable. You get upset. You want things to go just the way you want them to go and when they don't go that way, it makes you mad.
But if you submit to God and Him is in charge of your life, it doesn't irritate you as much. Because you will make your decision base on His decision.
The starting point of getting along with others, to avoid arguments, is get peace in your heart through the rule of Christ. This means you learn to say "Thy will be done" instead of saying "Me first". When you can say "Lord, whatever You want that's what I want" then the peace process starts.
2. Resist the Devil
As you learn to submit to God, the Devil will stir up dust to confuse you and tempt you to fight for your right. The devil wants to destroy your life. He wants to destroy every other good relationship.
Don't be ignorant. "Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."
The word "resist" is a war term. It means to be prepared, to withstand an attack.
After you have submit to God, you need to have some defence.
In order that Satan might not outwit us, we are not unaware of his schemes (2 Corinthians 2:11 NIV).
Be wise. Recognize his tactics. Know how he operates.
How does the devil operate? The Devil manipulates our pride. He gives us little thoughts, suggestions, ideas. When you're in the middle of an argument, he starts whispering in your ear, things like "Every of your friends is doing it why can't you? Retaliate. Who do they think they are? Get even. Assert yourself. Show them who's boss." He tells you all the things your pride would love to hear.
You need to say, "Satan, I know that's you. I bind all this thought in Jesus' name" Resist him.
How do you resist the devil? Same way Jesus did it. He yielded to the word of God and the will of God and act against the suggestion of devil.
Casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ (2 Corinthians 10:5 NKJV).
Memorize scriptures like:
2 Timothy 2:23 (NIV) Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.
Proverb 20:3 (NLT) - Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor; only fools insist on quarreling.
Use those scriptures to resist the devil when he tempts you into argument. The bible says I have nothing to do with argument because they are stupid and foolish, it only produce quarrels. Or the bible says, if I avoid quarrel, I am wise not a fool; it is a mark of honor.
3. Draw closer to God
How does this affect arguments?
It is amazing that the more time you spend alone with God, the more you will reflect His nature. Then the better you get along with other people. When the argument level rises in your marriage, family or with others it means somebody is not spending time with the Lord. It's that simple.
But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord (2 Corinthians 3:18 NKJV).
When you spend time with the Lord, you turn your attention to Him. You will get along better with others because His glory will transform your heart and you're at peace with Him and not as irritable.
Many people only pray when they have a need or when they are in trouble. No wonder they can't God work in their life.
How do you draw closer to God? You need to spend time with Him in daily quiet time, in Bible study, attend Praise Celebration, attend cell group all of these helps you to grow closer to God.
If you say you're too busy, then maybe you need to cut some things out of your schedule to make more time to spend time with the Lord. The more you spend time with the Lord, the more you're going to enjoy the rest of your time. Your life will be more productive, more beneficial. You'll get along better with others, have fewer arguments.
"Draw near to God, and He'll draw near to you."
There is a great promise when you draw closer to God. God says, "He will come near to you." He doesn't back off. When you are in trouble He is there, when you need help He is there.
4. Be willing to ask for forgiveness
Saying sorry to God and to people is the fastest way to end argument.
v. 8 "Cleanse your hands ... purify your hearts..." Our hands represent our action and hearts represent attitudes. So, make your conduct right and change your heart. If the argument started because of your self-centeredness, be sorry for it. When someone's feeling is hurt, it may not be a bid deal to you, but to them it was. So, be willing to ask for forgiveness. It doesn't matter who started the argument, if you want to save the relationship and make things right, initiate to say sorry.
What if they are 95% wrong and you're only 5% at fault? You take care of your 5% and let God handle the other 95% in their life.
The right way to say sorry is focus only on your fault:
I know we've had our differences and I know I haven't always been thoughtful. A lot of times I've thought more about myself than your needs."
I am sorry for what I say that hurt you, please forgive me.
The wrong way to say sorry is to blame other for their fault:
I know we've had our differences and I know I haven't always been thoughtful, but you are also self-center"
I am sorry for what I say, but you start it first.
It's humbling when you focus on your wrong, but God gives grace to the humble.
Take the first step and God will lift you up (v. 10).
Before honor is humility (Proverb 15:33 NKJV).
You will be surprise people, especially those who are close to you will respect you more when you are able to admit you are wrong. Don't be fool by thinking that when people notice you are wrong, or not perfect, they wouldn't respect you anymore. On the opposite, the courage to admit one mistake is the mark of maturity. |