Many young people enter into relationship because of the call of nature. They have never thought of what they really want out of the relationship or marriage. They enjoy the romance, intimacy and feel a sense of fulfillment because there is someone to love and be loved. They think that all will go well because they love each other and so they enter into marriage. Most newlyweds start out expecting their marriage will last forever. Sad to say, many marriages simply die after the first few years. Divorce statistics verify this fact. So if you are serious about love, consider this: is your love short-term interest or a long-term investment?
Learning to determine who is right for you
It's easy to fall in love. It's possible to be madly in love with the wrong person and say “I do” in the heat of romance, only to discover that you have made a mistake when the passion cools off and sensibility sets in. So, how to determine who is the right date for you?
Who not to date:
1. Don't steadily date someone just because you are lonely or you don't think you can get serious .
2. Don't commit by blind faith : fall into a trap of putting fleece before the Lord or claiming a Bible verse to make the decision of marriage partner for you. God gave you the mind, adequate information, godly counsel and help so that you can make an intelligent decision. Do not believe in the myth that God only have one person for you to choose, and once you miss it, you miss it all.
3. Don't date someone who is unavailable :
With someone, but promise to break up soon,
With someone, but he doesn't really love her,
With someone, but wants you to stick around,
Just left someone, but might be going back.
4. Don't date someone who is your counselor or counselee . Never mistaken sympathy for love.
5. Don't date someone if you are in love with his potentials . e.g. talented in music.
6. Don't date someone who has unresolved problems of the past.
7. Don't date someone whom you think you can change . E.g. religion, ambition, behavior. You can't change anyone unless they want to change themselves. They may try to please you when they are madly in love with you, once the passion dies off, the old habit sets in.
Qualities to look for in a mate
1. Commitment to personal growth
“Let us practice loving each other … those who are loving and kind show that they are the children of God, and that they are getting to know Him better …When we love each other God lives in us, and His love within us grows ever stronger. ”1 John 4:7,12 (TLB)
People who are committed to personal growth live with God's word & godly lifestyle. They will also help each other grow closer to God.
“To learn, you must want to be taught…” Proverbs 12:1 (TLB)
They are also willing to receive help and guidance and humble enough to learn from other.
“Admit your faults to one another and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous man has great power and wonderful results.”1Cor 9:26 (TLB)
They are willing to admit wrong and seeking God's help for change.
2. Openness to show affection
An intimate relationship is not based on sharing a home, a bed, or a bathroom; it's based on openness in sharing feelings and affection.
Your mate has feelings, and must be willing to share those feelings with you in an acceptable way.
“The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear a crushed spirit? “Proverbs 18:14 (NLT)
Staying in a relationship with a person who cannot share feelings is a form of self-punishment. Don't mistake this weakness as cool or macho. If you have this problem, ask God to heal your emotion, and learn to share and communicate your feelings.
In order for a relationship to flourish both of you need to communicate your love and appreciation on a consistent basis.
3. Truthful
The person needs to be truthful with himself / herself, with others and with you. Some may be afraid to be themselves: “If I told him the truth, he might not like me.” “I hate rock music, but I pretend it is okay because I don't want to hurt her feelings.” Playing hide and seek in a relationship is a form of dishonesty. Marriage is not a game. It will never pass the test of time if both parties are not truthful with each other.
Look for a partner who is up front about how he feels and what he wants … and someone whose actions match his/her words.
Remember: consistently being truthful build trust, dishonesty brings misunderstanding.
But just how truthful should you or your date be about your past behavior? What if you had been a victim of rape or abuse? What if you have had an addiction? Each individual will have to determine when to reveal their past. Details are not necessary. If you have asked God for forgiveness, the past is under the blood. It is good to seek the advice of your pastor rather than a friend before you share it. Honesty added with common sense is the best policy.
4. Maturity and responsibility
“When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” 1Corinthians 13:11 (NKJV)
The person can take care of himself. Our outward life is a reflection of our inward life. No one wants to stay with a slob.
The person is responsible. Maturity doesn't come with age; it comes with the acceptance of responsibility.
Ask yourself these questions: did he respect your feeling/idea/view? Did he respect others? Does she choose to finish her homework and study for exams rather than party? Does he finish the project he starts? Does he ever hold a steady job? Does she volunteer to help or make a lame excuse to get out of responsibilities?
5. Healthy self-esteem.
“… You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Mt 22:39 (NKJV)
A person with low self-esteem gleans a sense of worth from the person they are with. Sometime they become like leeches, wanting all the attention of their mate and resenting it when their mate interact with other. They love in order to feel that they are needed. Once their partner out grown them, they feel insecure.
A person with high self-esteem loves because they are secure about themselves. They know who they are in Christ. They don't abuse themselves physically or emotionally, neither will they allow others to abuse them.
6. Positive attitude toward life.
“Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice!” Philippians 4:4 (NKJV)
A person with a positive attitude has a sense of humor and can laugh at themselves. They are not critical or judgmental. They don't use word or action to pull you down. Beware of the person who is only happy when you are around. You are going to get wear out of being responsible for another person's happiness.
7. Personal chemistry.
“You have ravished my heart, my sister, my spouse; you have ravished my heart with one look of your eyes, with one link of your necklace.” Songs 4:9 (NKJV)
You and your partner need to have some form of personal chemistry in order to distinguish your relationship from a friendship.
Gradual attraction is usually more genuine because you are not just focusing on the physical looks. You're attracted to the whole person.
Couples who were friends before they become romantically involved have more successful and satisfying marriages. You can't create personal chemistry. If you have never felt personal chemistry or attraction to your partner even after a reasonable period of time, you're unlikely to develop those feelings over time!
Finding the right person will not necessarily insure marital happiness; being the right mate, however may. So, before going in search of your “Mr. Right” or “Ms. Wonderful”, take a good look at yourself, ask yourself “Do I have what it take to be a great mate?”. Read the traits stated above and do a fair self evaluation and adjustment. |