No one enters a serious relationship and anticipating a breakup. But it can; breaking up is a real possibility. This may not be the topic you would enjoy learning, but by knowing it will help you to cushion the hurt if it does happen.
How to avoid or cushion the hurt of breaking up
1. Keep getting-to-know-you period of dating on a friendship level for as long as possible.
Don't add in romantic elements such as holding hands, touching one another, embrace, kissing etc. during this period. When the romantic elements happen too fast, the danger of suffering emotional pain of a breakup is significantly increased. If you have developed a good friendship with the potential person and later find out that he/she is not the person you want to get serious with, you can breakup and still remain friends if you haven't become too involved physically. Invest time to be a real friend. The more you share in common and the more you pass through daily life together, the greater chances are that you would enjoy this person's friendship on a long term basis, regardless of whom you will marry. "It's real easy to leave your spouse. It's not easy to leave your best friend," an actor wife said. You can't be best friends with someone if all you enjoyed or focused on is the physical touch and the romantic feeling. You need time to build friendship, understand one another, learn to communicate and tell your heart to each other.
2. Avoid becoming involved in relationship that you don't want to continue.
The choice is yours. Don't continue with someone who has a negative effect on you. Avoid becoming involved with someone you don't want as a close friend. Don't mislead a person just because you want to be nice and don't want to hurt him/her. It is cruel to play with another person's emotions. Learn to say no early in the friendship. Be truthful. It may not be enough to tell a person starved for relationship, “I just want to be your friend.” Be more specific, “I'd like to be your friend, but nothing more. Please don't call me at home and don't ask me for a date.”
3. Learn to break up graciously
Don't treat your date negatively or disrespectfully, hoping that the person will get the hint. The fact is some never seem to catch it. Be kind yet firm, choose the right words to say, be truthful but not brutally truthful. Don't give a speech on “100 Reasons We Should Breakup”. Be sensitive to the timing of breakup. Don't breakup when your girlfriend fails her exam, or on the death of your boyfriend's father. Choose a time when he or she will have other friends available who can be supportive. But remember there is never “good” time for a breakup, use your common sense yet never delay.
Clearly state you reason for breakup that will avoid unnecessary argument. Take responsibility for the breakup and don't blame on his or her shortcomings. Use the I-message and not you-message:
• “I am no longer happy in this relationship, I want to breakup.”
• “I feel our differences are too great to have a lasting relationship.”
• “I have a desire to date other people.”
• “I feel I don't want to settle down into a steady relationship with you.”
Not
• “You always hurt my feelings and I am no longer happy in this relationship.”
• “You are very different from me; we can't have a lasting relationship”
• “You are not the person of my dreams, I want to date others.”
4. Break up face-to-face
The breakup will be easier to accept if you at least have the guts to face the person you are breaking up with. Breaking up over the telephone or MSN, where you can discuss the situation together, is the next best way. Avoid writing letter or asking someone to do your dirty work. Imagine how horrible you will feel, if you hear of the breakup plan of your boy- or girlfriend from another person.
5. Don't spread gossip and cast blame in order to justify yourself
The world doesn't need to know all the reasons you chose to end this relationship. Keep negative things to yourself and God. Learn to cast your sadness to God and release the party that has hurt you. Talk to your pastor if you need help.
6. Don't avoid each other after a breakup
When meeting your ex, don't avoid. Wave and say “hi”. But be careful not to be so friendly that it gives the other person the message that you are sorry for the breakup and want to get back together again.
Arrange a time to talk some time after the breakup if you are unable to say all that is on your mind during the time of break up due to hurts and rejection. This will help salvage the friendship and give you a better understanding of each other.
Be ready to see your ex going out with someone else. You may feel hurt, jealous (someone has moved in on what you had considered your territory) or anger (your friend cared so little about you that he could immediately jump into another relationship). Examine your feelings; don't rush to tell your ex that the breakup was a mistake.
How to react when someone breaks up with you
1. Don't fall apart
Instead, take a deep breath. Smile, even though faintly and say “I'm sorry you feel this way. I was hoping our relationship could grow into a long-term one. I respect you and your wishes, and I hope we can remain friends.” This speech can blow the other person away and cement a friendship (not courting relationship) for life. You don't have to be enemies. If you feel too hurt or angry to react calmly, just keep quiet and ask for some time to process what you've heard.
2. Don't do something foolish
A breakup is not the end of the world, regardless of how you feel. You may feel like quitting your job, stop schooling, running away, getting drunk or jumping off a cliff. But don't. Your feelings of rejection are just temporary.
Unknowingly, you may feel that if you do something traumatic, your ex will feel sorry for you and come back. Your foolish actions only show that you are an unstable person and the breakup was probably a good idea.
3. Don't turn bitter
You may feel hurt and angry. If you react by saying hateful things and assassinate your ex's character, it's almost impossible to resurrect a friendship. Remember, you will sow what you reap; revengeful feelings and actions may cause you to be the most hurtful person in the end.
4. Don't beg
It only drives the person going great lengths to avoid you. You may be so in love that you don't think you can live without him/her – but you can. Keep telling yourself that.
5. Don't isolate yourself after a breakup
You may want to avoid people questioning you or you are feeling rejected. But when you are hurting, you need friends who will support you. Allow them to comfort you. You may need some time alone to sort out your feelings, but get back to normal life as soon as possible. Do things you enjoy. Dress your best. Keep busy. Set new life goals and move forward. Step out and get involved in helping others. Healing will come more quickly this way.
6. Don't be ashamed to grieve over your lost
The more serious your relationship, the more painful a breakup will be. You may go through four stages in your grieving process.
- Denial stage: Deny that the breakup is actually happening
- Anger: As it dawn on you that it is real, you may feel angry toward the person who caused you pain
- Blaming: you will feel like blaming yourself for what happened. You may need to discuss your feelings with your cell leader/pastor so that they can help you to sort out the reality of the situation from your irrational thoughts. Let it be a learning experience to help you in your future relationship.
- Accepting reality: probably the best thing you can do is to have yourself a good long cry. It will really help. Look for comfort in the Scriptures such as Psalm 23; 27; 30:5 or 34:18.
7. Don't jump immediately into another relationship
Breakup time can be a time you feel very weak. Because you are used to being close to another person, you now crave for closeness. It's easy to fall into a trap of quickly becoming involved with someone else – anyone else. Give yourself time to heal from the past hurt and learn to live a happy single life for some time.
8. Don't punish yourself
Rejection causes feelings of self-doubt or self-hate. Consider how God values you. He made you and died for you, you are of supreme value to Him. Consider those who love you (like your parents, pastors, cell leader, cell members).
9. Don't give up on God
Many people testify, after a breakup the only thing that got them through was their relationship with the Lord. Let His Spirit talk to you and comfort you in this difficult time. If you haven't built a good relationship with Him, now is the best time to start. If you are in the midst of the crisis and do not know where to begin, just ask Jesus to come into your heart and lead you on. Remember it is never too early to receive Jesus and it is never too late to turn to Him. |